A Vacation of Mythological Proportions
by Aurow
Summary: Alice decides the gang needs a vacation,so they head to rome.At first all is well,until a doomed cruise sends them to an island that isn't supposed to exist!Harpies,dragons,giant salamanders... oh my!What have they gotten into this time? M for language


**A/N: Hey there! I'm Aurow and I'm pretty new to the whole fanfic thing. This is my attempt at humor so hopefully it turns out as planned! Anyway I love mythology so I thought "Hey, why not mix in some of my favorite characters and make them suffer through the bizarre happenings of the Greeks and Romans?" Also, the names that Emmett uses for his desired vacations are not intended to offend anyone, I just looked up lists of interesting place names and picked the ones most likely to create the reactions I was going for . **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything involved with the wonderful world of Twilight -sad face- but that doesn't mean I can't subject Stephenie's awesome characters to some awkward and downright insane situations!**

**Oh! And this takes place some time after the events of New Moon/Eclipse (Since I have yet to read Breaking Dawn -cry- my copy came late... stupid incompetent shipping companies... I HAD IT PREORDERED DAMN YOU!!)**

**Anyway, hope you like .**

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I arrived at school this morning completely exhausted. I had gotten very little sleep the night before thanks to a recurring nightmare of killer dresses with fangs and giant mutated credit cards.

Edward insisted it was due to my midnight snack, but I held firmly to the belief that Alice's frequent shopping sprees were to blame.

It turned out I had biology first period. –Insert sarcastic enthusiasm- Yay! I was too tired to think about all the scientific terminology... hopefully there wouldn't be any lab work to do; I didn't think I trusted myself with dangerous or expensive equipment at the moment.

I took my seat beside Edward and groggily dropped my schoolbag to the floor. The bell rang for class to begin but there was still no teacher. Ten minutes without a supervisor and the students began to get excited, imagining different explanations for our absent professor.

I sighed happily and leant my head against Edward's shoulder, his coolness easing the throbbing of my insomnia-triggered headache. "Maybe we'll get an unexpected free period," I mumbled with a yawn.

I could hear the amusement in my fiancé's voice, "Don't count on it."

"What?" I looked up just in time to see a young blonde woman enter the room. This was definitely _not _Mr. Banner. The boys in the classroom noticed this too; Edward started grumbling in annoyance about hormones and "pornography-worthy imaginations".

The substitute set her things on Mr. Banner's desk and turned toward us, smiled brightly and said, "Hello, everyone! I'm Brooke! Your teacher came down with a nasty case of the flu this morning, so I'll be your substitute for today!"

She seemed too cheery... maybe I could steal some of her energy to replenish my own.

The bubbly blonde continued her explanation as she passed around what looked to be coloring pages... of Greek gods, "... it was a last minute decision so I was the only available teacher, sadly I don't know anything about biology, so I thought we'd take a break from that and do some mythology activities! ..." She continued on like that for quite a while.

I happened to glance up at Edward during her babbling and he looked as exhausted as I felt, "Are you okay?"

He turned toward me and exclaimed in a harsh whisper, "The woman is insane! Her mind is going in one direction, while her mouth is going twice as fast in another! I think I'm beginning to remember what it's like to feel dizzy!"

That was about the most entertaining moment of the entire period. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against mythology, but all that polygamy, incest and bestiality is hard to wrap your head around when you're running on little more than two hours sleep! The next few periods were little more than a drowsy blur. I was glad when the bell signaling lunch finally rang and I was free to sneak away to our little table in the corner of the cafeteria.

"So, Bella," Alice chimed as she came to sit beside me, "Where shall we go for our family vacation this year?"

"Umm... I dunno? Shouldn't you be asking your _family_ this?" I replied, taking another bite of my pizza.

The energetic pixie-pire giggled, "Oh, Bella, you silly thing! You _are_ family. You're coming with us of course!"

"oh... goody..."

A vacation with the Cullens, talk about disaster waiting to happen. I could just see it: Emmett-induced mishaps with campfires and marshmallows... or mangled amusement park rides... or--

"Bella's coming with us where?" Ah, music to my ears, I was saved! Edward. Yes, Edward would talk Alice out of her latest forethought.

Alice gave our new arrival a look that screamed, "_you did _not_ just ask that_" and answered as if she were an arrogant movie star addressing an intern, "Why, on our traditional March Break vacation."

The look she gave him next added the conclusion "_Duh!_"

Taking the seat on my other side, Edward laughed, "Since when do we have a "traditional March Break vacation?" He even used air quotations.

"Since I decided to start the tradition this year." Eye roll.

"_In other words, I felt like dragging Bella on an outrageous trip and needed a reason to do it._" Hm... this was getting kind of fun. Maybe I should start interpreting sentences more often.

By now, Emmett and Rose had arrived to take their places at our secluded little table. "So, Eddie, what do you think about the trip?" Emmett inquired, giving Edward's hair a playful ruffle as he passed, receiving an irritated swat from his "little" brother.

"Don't call me Eddie..." the bronze-haired boy grumbled with a glare.

"Oh, just let it _go,_ Edward!" sighed Rosalie, "It's not that big a deal."

Emmett grinned in agreement, "Yeah, it's only a nickname. Besides it just goes to show how much I _loooove _you Ed-_die! _Now answer the question."

-Sigh- Leave it to Emmett. I'm sure only he was capable of putting Edward in a bad mood in five sentences or less. Although, I wouldn't put it passed Alice or Jasper...

I let out a small giggle at their antics, but quickly choked it off as Edward's grumpy topaz eyes turned to me.

"Well... they do say that travel broadens the mind. And I'm sure Bella is long overdue for a vacation. It would probably be good for her."

I smiled and nodded in agreement, "Yeah... wait, what?" Where did this come from? Where were the disapproving complaints and objections? What happened to my beautiful, overprotective stick-in-the-mud?

Bad mood seeming to evaporate like a light mist, Edward turned to me and smiled that knee-melting crooked smile of his -- damn him, his vampire good looks, and his logic-- "You've been cooped up in this gloomy old town for a while now, a little sun wouldn't hurt." But I like this gloomy old town... I don't want a vacation!

Alice bobbed up and down in her seat and clapped her tiny hands happily, "Yay! It's settled then! Now all we have to do is decide the location."

She barely finished her sentence before Emmett jerked out of his chair and exclaimed, "TITTYBONG!!"

The entire cafeteria froze.

I'm sure my face was redder than a sunburned tomato as I turned to find the entire Forks High population ogling us over the brawny vampire's outburst. The faces of the staff and students ranged from shocked, to appalled, to amused... and then there was Edward. To say he was furious would be an understatement, and with his dark, vehement glower and irritated growling, he appeared ready to murder. This seemed like the perfect time to scoot myself closer to Alice.

Rose was either just as embarrassed or utterly ashamed since she wouldn't remove her face from her hand as she used the other to pull Emmett back into his seat.

Emmett looked around, dumbfounded, "What? Whaaat? I like the name! And I've always wanted to go to Australia... now _that_ sounds like a fun vacation spot!"

"NO!" we chorused, causing Emmett to slump into his chair. He crossed his arms and pouted like a scolded two-year-old.

"_Fiiine. _See if I care. Nobody ever does what _I_ wanna do anyways..."

Edward snorted, "That's because the last time we did what _you_ wanted to do we were banned from forty-nine states... _and _Canada."

Rosalie and Alice grimaced at a forgotten memory while Emmett snickered.

"You guys are just lucky I didn't wanna go to Twatt..."

"EMMETT!!"

The Pepsi I was currently drinking quickly changed course and shot from my nose, nearly drenching Rosalie. It would have been funny if it didn't burn so much. Emmett, however, didn't have that problem, he was laughing so hard he almost fell out of his chair, "Wow!! They actually _do_ that?! That's _too_ funny!!" he chuckled between snorts.

Edward looked like he was deciding whether he should give me the Heimlich or throttle the giant guffawing moron across the table. He seemed quite panicked over my carbonated explosion and resigned himself to patting me firmly on the back.

After my brief choking fit, I wiped my face and looked at the half-eaten pizza on my tray, "Well _I've _officially lost my appetite..."

Edward glanced at me apologetically before shooting yet another fiery glare at his brother, "I'm sorry about him, Bella. We're fairly certain he was dropped on his head at birth."

"So, getting back to the subject, maybe we should go to Rome; Doesn't Bella have a paper to do on the coliseum anyway?" suggested Rosalie, using a napkin to wipe the table with a grimace.

Alice began her bounce and clap routine again and answered gleefully, "Ooooh! That's a great idea, Rosie! I agree!"

"Alice, how many times do I have to tell you not to call me Rosie?"

"Oh, just let it go, Ros_ie_," Edward quoted with a smug smirk and an arrogant bat of his eyelashes, "I'm told it's not that big of a deal..."

I giggled, leaning into his outstretched arm. Even the refined Edward Cullen was capable of a snarky remark or two. Rosalie huffed and turned her nose up at him. I laughed again as he stuck his tongue out at her.

The fuming blonde then looked to me and said, "The theory used to be marry an older man because they're more mature. The new theory is men don't mature; marry a younger one."**(Quote by ****Rita Rudner)**

Instantly the grin was wiped off his flawless face to be replaced with a scowl. He removed his arm from around my waist and leaned over the table, "I do believe a thought just crossed your mind, Rose! It must have been an _awfully_ long and lonely journey..."

If they were allowed to continue like this, they could probably provide hours of hilarious entertainment.

"Better than Jerry Springer..." Emmett seemed to agree.

Eventually Rose lost her patience and stormed out of the crowded lunchroom.

"I suppose we're off to Rome then," stated Alice once the boys settled down a bit.

Emmett's eyes widened and took on the traits of a lost puppy, "But I wanted to go to --"

"Emmett," Edward warned.

"Whaaat? I was gonna say SeaWorld! I wanna meet Shamu!"

The vampires on either side of me rolled their eyes.

You could almost see the imaginary light bulb pop into place over the third vampire's brain, "I say we put it to a vote!"

We sighed in unison. It was easier to give him what he wanted than to argue.

Alice began, "Okay, who thinks we should..."

"Wait," I interrupted, "aren't we missing someone?"

Emmett looked confused, "Well I doubt Rose'll come back; she's pretty pissed, but we know her vote anyway. The traitor..."

"She means Jasper," Edward mumbled, fingering the straw of my pop can in boredom.

"Yeah, where is he anyway? Lunch is almost over."

No sooner than I asked the question had the atmosphere of the room become not much less than that of an electric minefield. I could feel the overwhelming waves of rage pulse through the area as a new figure entered.

Edward sighed and let his head loll lazily to the side so he could fix his brother with a lethargic stare, "What did you do this time?"

The accused simply shrugged his shoulders and grinned like an idiot.

Finally, the irate Jasper arrived at our sitting area, face contorted in anger and fists clenched. "Emmett," he snarled, "I. Had. To. _Sit._ Alone... in that classroom... with _that man _... for _forty-five_ minutes and listen to him blather on about the proper usage of _thumbtacks!" _He was seething now.

The compulsive prankster of the family snickered in response, "You know what they say, Jazz, you learn somethin new each day!"

"Well then it must be time for _your_ daily lesson." Eyes black with emotion, the blonde-haired boy poised to attack.

The humor quickly drained from Emmett's jubilant features, "Uh... Igottago!!" Then they were gone.

I leaned over to Edward conspiratorially and whispered, "This won't turn out well, will it?"

"Not in the least."

After a few moments of staring after the two departed boys, Alice announced, "It's decided then!! We're going to Rome!!"

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**A/N: Hello, me again . Hope it's up to snuff! Tell me what you think! Constructive criticism is welcomed :) I'm working on the next chapter as I type. Sadly I may not be as quick when it comes to updates because I will soon be returning to school -cry- but I will do my best not to leave ya hangin!! I'm currently debating whether the next chappie should begin on the flight to Rome or if I should have an EdwardxBella fluffy chap before they embark on their adventure... hmm... until next time - Aurow .**


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